Getting Along

Today at work, I kept hearing my boss and co workers laughing loudly, and joking among themselves. I was off on my own, dusting the shelves, tidying things, etc. Occasionally I happened to wander near their group, and they would turn to smile at me. I understood that I wasn't being purposely excluded, but I wasn't part of the crowd either.

It isn't that I never join them in their joking around. It's just that, for me, the joking comes in bits and pieces, and is over quickly. I don't spend much time in standing around laughing, or rush up to one or the other to share a funny story, the way they all do. The secretaries upstairs send funny emails down to us at the front store counter, the furniture guy calls a joke across to the guy behind the shipping desk.... If I happen to hear, I will smile or laugh, but I never participate fully the way the others do. It's just not my thing, I guess.

The other day I joined my boss and co worker a little more than usual, in laughing. They both commented "You're usually so quiet! This is a whole new Marian!" When I make the odd funny comment to the guy behind the shipping desk, he beams as though I've offered him something special. Usually, though, I'm pretty quiet. I don't even realise how quiet I am, until someone comments, or I stop and compare myself to the others. Then I see how I'm different from the rest.

I was thinking today about all of this. In the past, these thoughts would have sent me further into my shell as I gathered myself tighter around me and began the process of distancing myself further from the group. I'm working hard to keep myself from becoming too immersed in my antisocial side. I need this job, and I understand the importance of keeping on top of job politics. I don't believe I need to be a major part of the crowd in order to have a place there, but it would be bad if I let myself become "the one who never joins in, and makes everyone uncomfortable because of my silences". It's a little tough, but not impossible.

When I was six or seven years old, and our family were on our annual vacation in the Okanagan, I spent a night pretending to be outgoing. I had noticed that my younger sister, who always laughed and joked with the rest of the family, was cherished by all in a way that seemed effortless. I spent an evening pretending to be her. I did things I believed she would do. As our family lounged around our motel room, watching t.v., I played little jokes, and rushed around making everyone laugh. I knocked myself out to be my sister. It worked. Everyone seemed to love me. Then one of my sisters blurted "You seem different!"

Unfortunately, I didn't realise in time that I shouldn't let the cat out of the bag - I told everyone "I'm pretending to be (sister's name) so you'll love me!" The room went dead quiet. I quickly started another little prank, to deflect the attention from what I'd just said, and after a hesitation, everyone laughed. But the spell was broken. I'd ruined it. Besides, I was becoming exhausted from being my sister, it didn't come naturally to me. I went back to being myself, and that was that.

I realised something today though - there are times when I am easily able to be free and natural. To laugh for hours and joke and have fun. To escape my solitude. It's when I'm spending time with people I feel completely comfortable with that I'm able to show my joy - when I'm chatting with my great friend, I spend a lot of time laughing. And since last september when I began a new relationship with my family, I've been able to be completely joyful with them as well.

So I guess, some people are able to become a member of multiple crowds, and some, like me, limit their crowds to a select few. For some, it's easy, and preferrable to be in on all the jokes that circulate wherever they spend their time, and for others, like me, it's more comfortable to keep quiet for the most part, and only let go with a chosen few. Exhuberance is the best way to be for those who are outgoing, they would probably become very uncomfortable if they had to spend their time being quiet and introspective the way I am. As for me, if I was always raucous, I would hate it. In fact, I've noticed that when I come out of my shell for too long, with people I'm not completely comfortable with, I get depressed soon after. I feel like I wasn't myself, like I played a role unsuitable to me. And so I've learned to allow myself to be natural, even if it means I'm singled out as the oddball. As long as I don't let my differences cost me my job, I believe it's okay for me to stay just a little bit aloof. The trick is to keep from becoming too much so. That's what I need to keep on top of.

Boy, sociability is a job in itself....