Today

Last night it stormed outside. Lots of wind, and when I went to bed, the sound of frozen rain pellets lashing over my windowpane was as loud as though someone was throwing pebbles against my window. This morning as I walked to work, it was snowing. Taylors, where I work, has a big picture window overlooking Jubilee Park. All the junkies hang out in that park, but today it was a beautiful view of snowflakes as big as cotton balls sifting down from the sky, onto the naked trees. It was breathtaking. I usually don't appreciate snow after Christmas, because I'm looking forward to Spring, but this was a wonderful sight. Unfortunately it didn't last. Soon the snow turned to rain. Still, it was memorable.

I didn't have a very good day at work today though. I had bad cramps, and took my strong painkillers that didn't really work, only made me drowsy and prone to making mistakes. My boss is away, getting ready for her daughter's wedding this weekend. It was just me and my co workers. They're quite nice, but today, with the boss away, they were a little bit less friendly than usual. Not that they were mean, just a little bit impatient when I made mistakes. Or maybe it was my hightened sense of paranoia due to P.M.S. It's very possible this was the case. At any rate, I didn't really enjoy my day.

The two women I was working with enjoyed a day of laughing together, and joking, and doing little projects together that excluded me. When I mentioned that I was in pain, and might have to go home early, I was told that this would mean one of them would have to stay later in order to make up for my absense, and that she wasn't willing to do this. When I mentioned that I might end up calling in sick tomorrow, I was told that the other one would not be able to come in to replace me because "I have a kid, that's just the way it is when you have a kid!" She said it in a tense, snappy way that pissed me off. I understand that parents have priorities different from mine, but I can't stand it when they throw that into a conversation and expect the fact of their parentage to act as the bottom line. Everyone is expected to agree without question. I don't like it when people use the fact that they gave birth, as a golden ticket to get their way in every single thing. It's one of my pet peeves. Anyway, after she snapped at me, I pinched the bridge of my nose and flapped my hand at her. I hadn't even asked her to work in my place for pete's sake.

I made a few mistakes, that weren't major, but when you keep getting called over to be told that this was done wrong, and that was done wrong, it piles up. I was feeling stupid, and inept, and sorry for myself. Then I decided to take a different view. I reminded myself that I made the mistakes because I'm new at the job. It wasn't the end of the world. Instead of feeling bitter and escalating the tension, I could make the decision to learn from my errors and try not to repeat them. And so I asked one of my co workers to explain in steps, how to do the transaction that I had screwed up, and I took notes (my boss gave me a notebook on my first day, to write things that I need to remember). The two women I was working with, thawed after that. They still stuck together like best girlfriends, but every once in a while they turned to me and included me in the conversation.

This made me think about the times in my past when I've been faced with similar tension. Then, instead of working to lessen it, I disappeared into my shell, which made everything worse. I remember the horrible feeling that overwhelmed me as the group sensed my growing discomfort, and rejected me more obviously. I remember how I would try to protect myself by hating them with a visciousness that consumed me. They saw it in my eyes, and hated me in return, no longer making any attempt to disguise the fact that they were a group, and I was an outsider. Experiences like this created in me a hatred for people, and for myself. I believed I would be rejected every time I attempted to make any social connection.

Now I understand that there are ways to overcome this kind of thing. It's all part of life, of interacting with people. It isn't personal, necessarily, it's just a fact of coming into a group of people who already know each other, and trying to find a place among them. If I react to the slight initial tension by building walls around myself, it will snowball into something horrible.

Luckily I remembered all of this today at work, before my natural tendancies took over. I managed to mostly ignore the bad vibes, and in so doing, they were diffused before they could grow. As one of my co workers left for the day, she rubbed my arm and offered me the advice that I should take a hot bath when I got home, in order to ease my cramps. I remembered also that it doesn't really matter if I don't make actual friends with my co workers, especially since they aren't my type to begin with. The important thing is that I interact well with them on the job, and am a valuable part of the working team.

So I'm feeling better about everything now. I've had a bath, and I'll sleep on my heating pad tonight. I've spent an enjoyable evening with my great friend in the chatroom. Tomorrow I'll go in to work and do my best. Next week my boss with be back - I get along really well with her, she goes out of her way to include me in everything. Life is a bit of a chess game, and I'm still learning how to play it, but I'm getting there.