A Watched Phone Will Never Ring...etc.

Well, I didn't get a phonecall today from Taylor Office Supplies, so I guess, obviously, the job went to someone else. I'm still unemployed. Boy I'm sick of this, and getting a little scared too. I spent today alternately plowing through a book, and sleeping - my standard "escape route".

I only hope I don't end up working at McDonalds. Although I'll take that job if it comes to that.

I was thinking the other day, that I've never been adored by a man. What must that be like? I understand I'm not the only one to miss out on this. In fact, I wonder if I'm in the majority....? Those of you reading this, who are able to say honestly that you are Truly Loved, all I can say is, Damn, you're lucky.

I spent my final teenage years, all of my twenties, and all of my thirties, pretending I was Loved. Whenever I sensed the truth seeping into my thoughts, reminding me of all the endless (obvious) proof that I was living in a fantasy world, I turned my back quickly. I remember mornings when I greeted the day with the words "I'm just so happy to be alive!" Good Grief! It wasn't even real! Just shows how a person can erase reality if they really want to.

I want to be Loved for real. Although that brings me to the uncomfortable thought that if a man was to fall in Love with me, and I with him, he might expect it to lead to a (gasp!) relationship. And I want to avoid one of those like the plague. Is it possible for me to be loved by a man who doesn't expect to own me? I'm not sure.

It scared me when I suddenly understood that I am living a pattern. I've spent my life loving men who do not love me. It started with my father, and continued on from there with disastrous results. And apparently I haven't changed, even now that I supposedly have all this new insight. A personal experience has revealed to me that I am a woman whose love is nothing special, or anything to hold onto.

I read something yesterday. A passage about a man's love for a woman. And I got scared. I was scared by the idea that a man might love me that much. My instinct was to run. How strange. And then I felt lonely. And I wanted a man to love me like that. And I faced the fact that I have not been. Ever. In my life.

I've noticed that Love is a kind of curse. Of course, it can be a beautiful thing, but it has an ugly underside. I know what it is to love someone who does not love me, I even convinced myself that I could live with this. Then I learned that I was, once again, fooling myself. It's easy for a person who feels nothing for me, to simply exit my life without so much as a goodbye. One sided love is a disaster. Yet I don't know that I've learned anything in this, because I'm such a sucker for acceptance. I think I would fall for the same thing again, given the chance.

Think I'll go to bed.