My Thoughts

my thoughts on art, and on life.

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Location: California, United States

I'm an artist, recently moved from B.C. Canada to Sonoma County, California. My art revolves mainly around photography/modeling, sculpting, writing, drawing, and making weird, witchy dolls

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Dating (it's about time I started)

I've added many more photographs, as well as drawings and poetry, to my fineart site. If anyone is interested in seeing them, the link is along the side of this blog.

I've been thinking about dating again. I think I'm finally ready to start, although I have no intention of ever getting involved in a *relationship* again. I'm not avoiding emotional attachments - If I end up loving someone and/or being loved in return, that will be nice, but I have no interest in being anyone's girlfriend. I plan on staying single the rest of my life. I made that decision when I left x. I believe that's the way I was meant to be.

So ya, it's time I started dating. It's been two years (!!!) I definately needed this time to think my own thoughts and get over some things. I'm glad I didn't jump into dating right away, after I left x. It's been healthy for me to just spend this time getting to know myself, and grow up a little (or a lot). I'm still in the process. This past month, for example, I experienced some things that forced me into a major emotional renovation. I think I've come out of it a stronger person. Maybe I'm more emotionally mature after all of it is said and done. Maybe I discovered some more things about myself, and about my feelings, and about the necessity to take my heart off of my sleeve for once and, I guess, erect a little bit of a barrier around it. Not a thick barrier - I don't want to become a cold sort of person who keeps her emotions locked up in a cage. Still, I've been a little bit too vulnerable, and it's left me with some wounds. So the best thing for me to do is build a little protective wall.

The problem I see for myself, in dating, is a lack of men. Since I moved to this city, I have not seen one man I'd be interested in. Although, I admit, I haven't really been looking too hard. Still, I think I'm right when I say it won't be easy. I think most of the men around here are not my type.

A funny thing happened the other week. I decided to check out Yahoo dating. I didn't sign up or anything - I'm not about to meet men that way, especially since my x is a member.... I simply wanted to see what sort of men were available in my area. But I forgot to change the setting that specified the search area, and ended up including Vancouver Island where I used to live with x. Who should appear as the number one pick for me? You guessed it - my x. There he was in his photographs, posing in the house where I lived with him for seven years, and in my garden that is now overgrown with weeds. Anyway I quickly changed the settings. Unfortunately I didn't fare any better with the settings changed to my own area. There are no interesting men for me in Yahoo.

Strangely, a week later, I received an email from a member of the photography club I belonged to on the Island, during the year I lived alone in my little apartment. It was a mass email to all the members of the club, including me because they haven't taken me off of their mailing list. Attached to the email was a photograph of the Canada Day celebrations at the local park. There was a crowd of people sitting on the grass before a stage, listening to live bands. And there was x, sitting in his lawnchair while one of his girlfriends sat on the grass (no chair for her). He had his oversized cup with a lid, and I recognised my former oversized cup in the hands of his girlfriend. At least the cup is being put to good use.

How does a girl meet men anyway? I seem to be clueless. Well I don't know how to close this rather boring post, so I guess I'll just say goodnight and go to bed.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Marian, not all guys are like x. Some can actually love you & set you free:^)

5:02 p.m.  
Blogger ~TVS said...

It's not necessarily easier for men to meet women either. I know that doesn't help you, just explains why I can't answer your question about where to meet men....

6:09 p.m.  

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