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Limbo
This morning I came across a video that was created by x and me, five years or so before we split up. I'd gotten a second hand video camera for my birthday, and spent a lot of time behind it, recording our everyday life. Luckily I nagged him to take some footage of me, or it would have been all him, with me nowhere in the picture. Kinda like the reality of our relationship I guess....
As I watched the video, I was struck by the way I used to hang onto every word that came out of his mouth. Every joke he made, as I filmed him doing this and that, was rewarded with an obedient laugh from me behind the camera. I worshipped the ground he walked on (enough to make a person gag really). I was reminded that this was the time in my life when I was beginning to question our relationship. Not very seriously yet, but the seed was there.
At that time, I wasn't connected to the internet, I had no contact with my family, I had no friends, I didn't have a job. My entire life experience revolved around x. The idea of losing him was frightening to me. No matter that our relationship was often violent and very restricting, he was all that I had, and so I clung to him. Yet I was beginning to fantasise about losing him. I imagined what life would be like if he died suddenly. The thought was terrifying ... yet ... there was a certain amount of longing within me, for this to come to pass. And I felt guilty about that. I pushed the feeling far down, and refused to acknowledge it for years.
I felt disappointed with my life - was this all there was? Was this my future? Year after year of worshipping a man who spent his life basking in my worship, and never returning any of it? A lifetime of cancelling my own life, in favour of being the shadow in his life - was this what I had to look forward to? I had good days, don't get me wrong. There were days, even weeks, when I felt quite happy with my lot. There were days spent on my own projects, creating my art, cleaning the house (I've always enjoyed cleaning my own house), gardening ... yet even on these days, there was that lingering shadow. A whispering voice reminding me that there could be so much more - things I would like to accomplish in life, that I wasn't allowed to, because he didn't wish for me to move in my own direction.
All of that is past now, I've left that existence far behind. Now I find myself in a kind of limbo, where I'm not quite living my life yet, but I'm moving toward it. I'm a little impatient at times, and occasionally feel the pressure of 'not enough time'. I'm in the middle of my life, I suppose. Fairly late to be starting over, but I understand that millions of others have done what I'm doing. People who get divorced, or suffer the death of their spouse, and find they have to start their life again from scratch. The wonderful thing is that there is no longer anyone standing in my way. I'm free to explore my goals and decide for myself what I want to do with my future.
When I lived on the Island, I finished my math upgrading. Now I've moved here to the mainland, and am finding that the college is a little different than the one over on the Island. It's possible I might have to take another math course in order to be eligable for their business course. I'm struggling to understand the college language (it all sounds like Greek to me!). I've spoken with someone there, as to what I need to get started in this course, and came away from there more confused than I was when I went in. I've spent days mulling over what I was told, and studying their website. I *think* I've discovered a business course that would allow me to register without having to take extra math upgrading, and would be completed in less time ... but would that course be enough for me to apply for secretarial jobs? Is it just a shortcut? I don't know. I want to get going on my life, I want to get out of this limbo.
I've been applying for jobs, with no results so far. My government cheque is only just enough to pay my bills each month, but my family is being great - taking me out for lunch and buying me little inexpensive things that I need. Because of them, I'm not suffering in the least, but I don't like to have to rely on them. My apartment is cosy, I've set it up into a little home ... but I feel impatient for the day when I can afford something just a little bit larger. Something with two rooms, rather than just the one. A place with a balcony where I can step out into the fresh air. As I said, I'm in limbo.
Still, I would rather live in limbo, than live as someone's shadow the way I did with x for 24 years. Now I have goals, and I'm free to work toward them. Now my life is my own - the responsibility is mine. If I stop striving for my future, then this will be my future. If I give up in frustration - stop looking for work, give up on college, stop dreaming, then I will remain here, as I am. I will have achieved nothing. I will be living the existence I had when I was with x, thinking "is this all there is?"
Life is a constant learning process, we never grow too old to evolve. Where will I be at this time next year? Possibly I will still be in this limbo, but I will be near the end of it ... it all depends on what I do today. And I'm happy to say, I'm up to the task.
As I watched the video, I was struck by the way I used to hang onto every word that came out of his mouth. Every joke he made, as I filmed him doing this and that, was rewarded with an obedient laugh from me behind the camera. I worshipped the ground he walked on (enough to make a person gag really). I was reminded that this was the time in my life when I was beginning to question our relationship. Not very seriously yet, but the seed was there.
At that time, I wasn't connected to the internet, I had no contact with my family, I had no friends, I didn't have a job. My entire life experience revolved around x. The idea of losing him was frightening to me. No matter that our relationship was often violent and very restricting, he was all that I had, and so I clung to him. Yet I was beginning to fantasise about losing him. I imagined what life would be like if he died suddenly. The thought was terrifying ... yet ... there was a certain amount of longing within me, for this to come to pass. And I felt guilty about that. I pushed the feeling far down, and refused to acknowledge it for years.
I felt disappointed with my life - was this all there was? Was this my future? Year after year of worshipping a man who spent his life basking in my worship, and never returning any of it? A lifetime of cancelling my own life, in favour of being the shadow in his life - was this what I had to look forward to? I had good days, don't get me wrong. There were days, even weeks, when I felt quite happy with my lot. There were days spent on my own projects, creating my art, cleaning the house (I've always enjoyed cleaning my own house), gardening ... yet even on these days, there was that lingering shadow. A whispering voice reminding me that there could be so much more - things I would like to accomplish in life, that I wasn't allowed to, because he didn't wish for me to move in my own direction.
All of that is past now, I've left that existence far behind. Now I find myself in a kind of limbo, where I'm not quite living my life yet, but I'm moving toward it. I'm a little impatient at times, and occasionally feel the pressure of 'not enough time'. I'm in the middle of my life, I suppose. Fairly late to be starting over, but I understand that millions of others have done what I'm doing. People who get divorced, or suffer the death of their spouse, and find they have to start their life again from scratch. The wonderful thing is that there is no longer anyone standing in my way. I'm free to explore my goals and decide for myself what I want to do with my future.
When I lived on the Island, I finished my math upgrading. Now I've moved here to the mainland, and am finding that the college is a little different than the one over on the Island. It's possible I might have to take another math course in order to be eligable for their business course. I'm struggling to understand the college language (it all sounds like Greek to me!). I've spoken with someone there, as to what I need to get started in this course, and came away from there more confused than I was when I went in. I've spent days mulling over what I was told, and studying their website. I *think* I've discovered a business course that would allow me to register without having to take extra math upgrading, and would be completed in less time ... but would that course be enough for me to apply for secretarial jobs? Is it just a shortcut? I don't know. I want to get going on my life, I want to get out of this limbo.
I've been applying for jobs, with no results so far. My government cheque is only just enough to pay my bills each month, but my family is being great - taking me out for lunch and buying me little inexpensive things that I need. Because of them, I'm not suffering in the least, but I don't like to have to rely on them. My apartment is cosy, I've set it up into a little home ... but I feel impatient for the day when I can afford something just a little bit larger. Something with two rooms, rather than just the one. A place with a balcony where I can step out into the fresh air. As I said, I'm in limbo.
Still, I would rather live in limbo, than live as someone's shadow the way I did with x for 24 years. Now I have goals, and I'm free to work toward them. Now my life is my own - the responsibility is mine. If I stop striving for my future, then this will be my future. If I give up in frustration - stop looking for work, give up on college, stop dreaming, then I will remain here, as I am. I will have achieved nothing. I will be living the existence I had when I was with x, thinking "is this all there is?"
Life is a constant learning process, we never grow too old to evolve. Where will I be at this time next year? Possibly I will still be in this limbo, but I will be near the end of it ... it all depends on what I do today. And I'm happy to say, I'm up to the task.
posted by Marian (Jolene) | 3:54 p.m.
4 Comments:
Hi Marian,
Your limbo article fits me and a lot of people. I started over when my husband died after a 31 year marriage. Mary Baker Eddy started over at about the age of 50 when she wrote the Christian Science Book. At age 85 she founded the International Newspaper "The Christian Science Monitor". Her biography is worth reading. Notice it is NOT an AUTO-biography. The Christian Science Reading Room will lend you the book for free. The Reading Room can be found in almost any city down on skid row. In the lowest and worst part of town. Never fear, you are safe there.There seems to be an aura surrounding the place that protects those who seek it.
You seem bent on being a secretary. That is fine. Nothing wrong with that. However, you seem to be hung up on the education angle. I suggest you talk to as many secretaries as you happen to encounter and ask them what kind of an education they had to get the secretarial job that they now have.
Seems to me that a secretary needs only a basic high school education. She does need typing skills. Shorthand is helpful but not necessary any more as they now have recording machines that the bosses use and the secretaries type the letters and memoes from the machines.
If you should happen to learn the Gregg Shorthand method it is a plus. Many times the secretary that knows that particular skill gets the better job because she can be used in conferences where absolute quiet is required. Also in court cases, TV shows and Radio shows. The boss can give her an order and all she has to do is write it on her steno pad which she can carry in a coat pocket or her purse. It is lightweight and not cumbersome.
You can go a step further and learn a little accounting. That helps for some jobs. If there is a lot of accounting then an accountant is used and that is a special category same as secretary. Accounting has to do with decimals, percents, credits and debits
A business course is usful when one is in one's own business. Such as perhaps your photography.
The thing is, right now you need to find out what field you really want to be in and learn. You keep talking about being a secretary and I feel you think they make a lot of money. They don't! Barely minimum wage or less. Less because they are on salary and work for free a lot of hours.
There are a few big time secretaries. But they are rare and far between. They have to have a lot on the ball. They have to learn the business fast. They do multiple jobs. They save the boss a lot of time by answering questions people would normally ask the boss. She has to know the business as well as the boss. She has to keep people away from the boss. She has to be very close mouthed and never reveal his thoughts. She must keep her eyes and ears open at coffee breaks and listen what the other secretaries are talking about without spilling the beans on her own boss. She carries the tales back to her boss and then he knows what is going on in the company. She is his eyes and ears.
I hope some of this helps you to find your way. I enjoy reading your blog. Keep it up. I am sure it helps lots of people even if they don't make a comment.
Lyd :)
I think this blog may have come to a sad end. I "fixed" an internet bouncing problem I was having, by inserting my startup C.D.'s that came with my computer when I bought it a year ago. It erased everything and reloaded only the stuff that was in my computer at the beginning when I bought it. I had no idea it would delete all my photographs, writing ... everything that was in my documents. It also erased all my Norton updates, so I was left with insufficient protection, and so I'm now battling worms and spybots and popups as I scramble to regain the updates that were deleted. As well, I can't seem to post on my own blog anymore, when I sign in here, it acts as though I don't have a blog. I can only post here, in the comments section. Sooooo.... goodbye blog. I guess. I don't know. Anyway, just wanted to post this in case anyone happens to wonder, and happens to look in this comment box. What a bummer. Never! Never! Never use those startup CD's! The cure is WORSE THAN THE DISEASE!
forgot to mention my email. I can't get into that either. It doesn't recognise me. I'm going to call my isp, but have to wait till after six, because my phone company is overcharging me for everything under the sun, including for calls I haven't made....(scream scream scream)
Well that's a shame. I just read your blog for the first time and really enjoyed it!
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