Learning To Quit

Things are counting down now - only four more days and I will be off the Island and settled into my new home. Everything is about endings now. Math is finished, work is finished, I'm taking things down around the apartment and packing them away in boxes. I'm making calls to all my utilities and closing accounts. My building manager has begun showing perspective tenants my apartment, getting things ready for me to be gone, and someone else in my place.

I feel very light since I passed my math course. It's a sense of having finished correctly, rather than the slightly heavy feeling I would be experiencing if I'd failed, and was facing a repeat of the entire thing after my move. I believe, if I'd failed, I would have rallied by now. I would be gearing myself up to do battle once more. I wouldn't have given up, but I would be missing this light feeling. Rather than enjoying a sense of perfection, I would be in a fighting state of mind, so to speak. Now that all is said and done, I can say honestly that I'm glad I had such a hard time of it, because I learned more lessons that way. If I'd sailed through all seven tests, that would have been wonderful, but I think it would have felt almost too easy. I might have thought "Maybe I didn't need to study as hard as I did - this was simple!" I don't like the thought of that. I prefer to know that I studied harder than I've ever done before, and still failed, and so I had to push myself beyond what I had thought was my limit. Only then did I succeed. That's a great lesson.

I've been thinking about the subject of quitting.

I've quit several things in the past year or so. I quit my relationship with x. I quit hiding so much inside my shell. I nearly quit my job, until they finally listened to my complaints about my lack of hours. I quit keeping pets, after my two goldfish passed away, leaving the loach on his own. I found a great home for him, and ever since, I've been petless. Sometimes it's in our best interest to quit. Sometimes, quitting something that isn't doing us any good, isn't really quitting - it's a beginning of something new.

Since I quit my relationship, I haven't been on any dates. That relationship owned all of me, I was lost in it for years. When I ended it, I felt wonderfully transparent. The sense of open space around me was amazing. I spent hours just thinking about my options, marvelling at the fact that I was free to choose anything at all, my future belonged to me. I've heard it said that when we end one thing, we should try to fill that space with something new and positive. I agree with that philosophy, but in this case, I didn't follow the rule ... well I guess I did, but with a twist. Instead of packing something new into the space left by the death of my relationship, I allowed it to remain open, so that my growing self could fill it up gradually, in its own time. There's a lot of room left, and I like it that way. I have more growing to do, in fact, I'm sure I will never be finished.

I didn't consciously set out to quit hiding so much in my own shell, that seemed to happen naturally. As my Self developed, I found I was smiling more at people I passed in the street. Rather than getting lost in my own introspection as I walked along, I looked people in the eye and smiled, usually they smiled back. I began small conversations with the pet shop guy, and the librarian, and found that I left those places of business with a smile on my face. I felt as though I'd accomplished something, I'd participated in the world around me, in just a small way, yet it was huge for me.

Quitting pets was difficult. Mornings when I turned on my aquarium light, and offered the lonesome weather loach his solitary breakfast, I felt my heart breaking for him. I yearned to give him a better life - something resembling the happy existence he'd enjoyed while the goldfish were alive. I didn't want to quit him, I didn't want to give him up, because it felt like failure. I don't believe in giving up pets, they are our children. I asked at all the petstores in town, if they sold aquarium animals that would be compatible for him. No luck. Other weather loaches were too small, I worried that he might eat them. No one sold newts, and I didn't want more goldfish. Reluctantly I put up a flyer at my local petstore, offering him to a good home. I felt like a bad mother, like I'd failed to live up to my own expectations. Yet it turned out that quitting Oscar was the best thing for him. In doing so, he ended up living his wildest dream. He has a multitude of friends now, living in a large aquarium at the home of a woman who dotes on him. Had I kept him, he would have had one room mate at best (if I ever managed to find even that for him), instead he has half a dozen or more. It just goes to show that sometimes quitting is the best option. As long as the quitting is done with best interests in mind, for the right reasons, it's often the better choice.

For the first time in my adult life, I've quit being a pet owner. I have no pets at all, and plan to keep it that way for the time being. This may not sound like a very monumental decision, but for me, it is. It took some soul searching to come to this decision. It isn't always easy being petless. I sometimes feel lonely for a creature to hug and care for. I miss my cat since she passed away, I miss cleaning my aquarium. Still, it's the thing for me to do at the moment. I'm avoiding too much responsibility that will hinder my new freedom of choice in life.

I nearly quit my job, because I wasn't getting any results when I asked for more hours. Then finally they listened, and so I remained there. Still, all that trouble got me thinking about leaving that place for something more to my liking. My feelings of pride in the fact that I could handle such a thankless, backbreaking job were beginning to turn toward the idea that I was selling myself short. Instead of concentrating on being the best dishwasher I could be, I began to understand that I would be better served if I found a job I could enjoy a bit more. I feel proud of myself that I stuck it out, but I think now, that I would have felt even better had I found a job I didn't have to struggle with. I got mixed up in the idea of sticking with it, which was admirable in its way, but I forgot to look at the bigger picture.

When I look for a job in the city where I will be living next, I'll be more discerning. I might have to settle for a short time, for a job I don't prefer in order to pay my bills, but I won't stop looking for something more suitable. I understand now that sometimes it's in my best interest to quit something for something better, rather than slogging through what I have available at the moment. It's another lesson in looking for a window, rather than pounding endlessly on the door.