Personal Responsibility

Last night I dreamed I was vacuuming up dead, tailess mice. My vacuum hose was transparent, and the suction was very slow, allowing me to see the mice as they travelled gradually through the hose and disappeared through the opening into the vacuum cleaner. They were just small enough to fit. Their little bodies were slightly compressed. Their front legs pinned along their sides, and their tiny hind legs straight out behind them. The final mouse was a bit larger than the others. It became wedged partway up. I turned off the vacuum, shook the hose slightly, and flipped the switch again. The mouse resumed its final journey. As it disappeared into the vacuum opening, I noted the way its hind feet were pressed flat because of the narrowness of the hole, so that its toes were the last thing I saw before it was swallowed up. There was a funereal calm about the whole experience. The mice retained a kind of dignity. I was struck by their composure. Though they were already dead before I'd vacuumed them, still, they gave the impression of calm acceptance. I felt a real sense of tragedy - they were so vulnerable. There was something degrading about all of it. It reminded me of my dream about the little veal calf.

I've been thinking about personal responsibility.

I suffer from a kind of mental tunnel vision. When I encounter roadblocks as I make my way through life, my first instinct is to smash my way through. My repeated phonecalls to my math teacher are a good example. I spent the month leaving messages that were never returned, wasting valuable time. I wish I'd taken a few moments to look for a different solution - an alternate route around the blockage. I understand now that I should have gone in person to the college at the beginning of the month. Instead of frustrating myself in trying to make it work one way, I should have recognised that this was a dead end, and tried something else. This doesn't excuse the teacher, he failed to do his job, but my own failure to change course is what ultimately landed me in the position I find myself today.

It's all too easy to lay 100% of the blame on the obvious wrong-doer. Taken at face value, my recounting of all the anxious phone messages that were never returned, would lead to one conclusion - the teacher has failed me. I am his victim. I'm suffering now, and may fail math, because he didn't follow through on his job. If I continue to view it this way, I'm doing myself a great disservice. I am giving the teacher all the power, as though I have no control over my destiny. Viewed in this way, I feel helpless and victimised - no matter how persistent I am in achieving my goals, others may barr my way and there's not one thing I can do about it. My future depends on the whims of others. What a mistake to continue in this way of seeing things!

It isn't easy to admit to my own failure. Part of me wants to remain in the victim position. Filled with indignation at the injustice done to me, I feel angry and frustrated, but mostly I feel helpless. This is where my thoughts begin to turn - am I really helpless? Was I really at the mercy of this teacher's unprofessionalism? How awful if that was the case! Thankfully, it isn't.

If I have the maturity to acknowledge my own failing in all of this, I resume control. Although it doesn't feel very good to admit that I played a part in this fiasco, there is great reward in doing so - I am in charge of my own destiny. No matter how many roadblocks I encounter, I have the power to manoeuvre around them.

As we go through life, the one person who cares most about where we end up, is we ourselves. It's vital that we give ourselves the best chance. If I fail this math course, the teacher will go on without a care as to whether I become a secretary, or spend the rest of my working life as a dishwasher. He's probably forgotten about me already. What a mistake for me to allow him to carry all the power as to whether I fail or succeed, when he really couldn't care less! I'm the one who cares what happens to me. I'm the one with a personal stake in this. Therefore it is up to me to pave the road.

I will try again on thursday, to pass these final two tests. I will continue to study, and I will go to the college early, so that I can talk with that teacher who helped me the other day. He isn't my teacher, but if I knock on his door and ask for specific help, I believe he will give it. I will work through all the equations in an orderly way, so that it will be easy for me to find the figures for each seperate question when I review my answers. I won't hand in the test until I've checked each question more than once. I will believe in myself, and I will do my best. If I don't succeed, I will try again after I move. Next time I will retain the power, regardless of any setbacks that might land in my way. I won't allow things to end up the way they have in this first try. I've learned a great lesson in all of this - if I find a locked door barring my way, I must look for a window, rather than stand there banging on the door in the hope that I'll be noticed.

Thanks everyone for all your comments, encouragement and suggestions. You guys are wonderful.