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Somebody shoot Me Now
Another failure.
This morning I took the twice failed test a third time, and failed by one mark. I'm done. I've given up. I have studied my ass off, poured over equations and filled notebook after notebook with my figurings. I've marked my answers and on those that I got wrong, I've done them again and again until I had them right. Then I did them again to ensure that I understood them. I've repeated this routine how many times? And still, I fail the test. Today when I handed in the test after a long two hours, I felt hopeful. I didn't expect 100%, but I felt sure I would pass. I was wrong.
The sickest thing is that I made a truly assinine mistake on one question - instead of writing the correct answer, I wrote in the number at the bottom of the list of equations in my long division. My correct answer was right there in front of me, I had actually figured it out correctly, but I put in something else. What a moron. That would have given me the extra mark I needed to push me over into a passing grade. What a fool.
I have one more chance next thursday. I will take it, but I won't expect anything. I've lost all confidance. No more hope or expectation or self esteem. I can't do it. I will fail, and that will be it. When I fail this freakin test a fourth time, that will be the end of the road for me. Or if, by some miracle, I pass it, and go on to take the final test (that I've already failed once before), I will fail the final a second time, and that, again, will be it. I will throw my books in the trash and go home.
The only reason I'm taking this math upgrading is so I will be eligable to take a business course, so that I can apply for better jobs than dish washing. Well, it looks like I'm not cut out for anything better. The world needs its dishwashers, and, well, here I am. This entire episode has been a spectacular failure. I know I'm not dumb, in general, but when it comes to math I am the world's most incredible moron.
I'm told that when I fail again next thursday, I will be given a 'failure to complete' grade and sent packing (with much relief from the teachers I'm sure). I can apply again at the college over in the city where I'll be moving, and start again from the beginning if I want. I'm in no mood to entertain this possibility right now. Truth is, maybe I'm kidding myself anyway - if I'm this thick, do I have any business working in an office?
This blog has gotten tedious with nothing in my posts but math and failure. It's time I talked about something else anyway.
This morning I took the twice failed test a third time, and failed by one mark. I'm done. I've given up. I have studied my ass off, poured over equations and filled notebook after notebook with my figurings. I've marked my answers and on those that I got wrong, I've done them again and again until I had them right. Then I did them again to ensure that I understood them. I've repeated this routine how many times? And still, I fail the test. Today when I handed in the test after a long two hours, I felt hopeful. I didn't expect 100%, but I felt sure I would pass. I was wrong.
The sickest thing is that I made a truly assinine mistake on one question - instead of writing the correct answer, I wrote in the number at the bottom of the list of equations in my long division. My correct answer was right there in front of me, I had actually figured it out correctly, but I put in something else. What a moron. That would have given me the extra mark I needed to push me over into a passing grade. What a fool.
I have one more chance next thursday. I will take it, but I won't expect anything. I've lost all confidance. No more hope or expectation or self esteem. I can't do it. I will fail, and that will be it. When I fail this freakin test a fourth time, that will be the end of the road for me. Or if, by some miracle, I pass it, and go on to take the final test (that I've already failed once before), I will fail the final a second time, and that, again, will be it. I will throw my books in the trash and go home.
The only reason I'm taking this math upgrading is so I will be eligable to take a business course, so that I can apply for better jobs than dish washing. Well, it looks like I'm not cut out for anything better. The world needs its dishwashers, and, well, here I am. This entire episode has been a spectacular failure. I know I'm not dumb, in general, but when it comes to math I am the world's most incredible moron.
I'm told that when I fail again next thursday, I will be given a 'failure to complete' grade and sent packing (with much relief from the teachers I'm sure). I can apply again at the college over in the city where I'll be moving, and start again from the beginning if I want. I'm in no mood to entertain this possibility right now. Truth is, maybe I'm kidding myself anyway - if I'm this thick, do I have any business working in an office?
This blog has gotten tedious with nothing in my posts but math and failure. It's time I talked about something else anyway.
posted by Marian (Jolene) | 4:26 p.m.
3 Comments:
Hi Marian,
I have been checking the puter all day waiting to hear from you. Sorry you are disappointed but I am proud of you and how you keep going back and finishing up in spite of all the failures. You are not a failure, the test is a failure.
I don't really understand what kind of school you are going to. I don't understand what kind of math you are studying. You should have learned about decimals and fractions in grade school.
Percent, well I never learned that in school. I learned it after I got married and did the family banking.
My understanding of continuing education and night school is that anyone can go. You do not have to be a high school graduate. You do not have to have a GED. The classes are usually one or two hours per class and once or twice a week.
You just go or phone the high school in the area and ask about night classes. Tell them you want to take some business classes. What do they have? They will tell you, we have a class in computers, we have a typing class, we have a class in accounting. We have a class in adding machines. Which one would you like. You tell them and ask them about low income classes and that you are a working girl and have not much money. Thats all you need to tell them at this time. Later you can ask about forms for low income that you can fill out.
Forget about a complete business course. You already know more than most secretaries. Anyway secretaries don't make much money any more. Those days are gone forever. We now have cell phones and computers and everything is done in the car. So secretaries are not needed, much.
I suggest after you move, seek work in a photo shop. Or at a magazine company or at a newspaper.
Every small town has a small newspaper and they like to have local columnists. Sometimes the beginner works for nothing just for the experience. Small newspapers usually cannot pay much. It is a family business but the experience is great. Then you can move on to a larger newspaper. You will be able to write and also to use your photography knowledge. Plus you have computer knowledge. You have a chance of working into some good jobs in these areas.
If you want to work in an office just anywhere, you can start by answering the phone. But as I say, the cell phone takes the place of the secretary. Still there are businesses that use office help.
If the town is large enough it will have a Kelly Girl Agency. They will find office jobs for you according to your abilities and help you to learn more. You work for Kelly Girl. A company hires a Kelly Girl.
Lyd
Who's blog is this? Marian's or Lyd's? Ha ha.
Hi Marian. You express your anguish well--I feel it.
The key point in your post, for me, was the fact that you did do enough correct math to pass the test, but managed to sabotage yourself by copying the wrong number. This is what you really need to look at: whether you deep down expect or even want to fail, in order to confirm something about yourself.
Certainly you're now saying you expect to fail, which will tend to push you toward that result. You've worked so hard, and come so close: you're at a decision-point, a fork in the road. You could go either way. Which fork do you want to take?
So far, with your transcription error and the other mishaps, you can't really say you've given it your best shot. Do you want to?
As someone who is both a math whiz and who has worked a lot in a large office, I can tell you you've got plenty enough smarts to do it.
My suggestion: visualize success, not failure. Visualize how it will feel to pass: the feeling of achievement. Think how you felt when you passed the previous tests. Then, when writing the tests, take steps to prevent self-sabotage: double-check the paper when you're done, and for each question ask yourself, "Have I answered the right question?" and "Have I copied the wrong number?" Double-check, triple-check: as much as you've got time for.
You've passed a bunch of tests already. You've already shown you can do it. You need to dig down and make up your mind to do it again.
I wish you luck, and success.
Marian,
Lay my first comment aside for right now. Use it later after you move.
You have two very good friends in Devon and Pauly and I suggest you follow their advice on this particular subject. They both hit the nail on the head and give sound advice. Listen to them.
You can do it.
Lyd
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