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One New Year's Eve years ago, while living with x on Texada Island, we played hide and seek. We were a little drunk, it was pouring outside, we were feeling nostalgic and a little silly. So we decided to play this children's game in the house. It was my turn to hide. I went into the bedroom closet, pushed open the trapdoor to the attic, and climbed in. I sat there for an hour or more, listening to the rain on the roof, getting to know that secret room, and hoping he wouldn't find me too soon.

It's awful, sometimes, to be so introspective and lonesome. It's the way I must be, I suppose, I can't change it, but sometimes I wish I could trade my ways for someone less tortured. I wish I could be one of those shallow types who don't seem to dwell on anything for any length of time. Am I unhappy ... I wonder...? I don't know. Sad? Depressed? I have no idea. Lately I seem to be unable to diagnose my emotions.

Yesterday I thought I might be depressed, and so I lay down to sleep it off. After half an hour, I realised I wasn't depressed and should get up.

I'm thinking about love again. I suddenly understood something this morning - my tendency to link myself to one man, rather than several, is simply another symptom of my condition. I'm a 'one man woman' because I fear there isn't enough of me. Here I'd always thought it was because I'm basically loyal. Not so.

So what should I do? Should I begin dating several men at once, to prove to myself there is more to me than I'd been giving myself credit for? Today I kept that idea in mind as I walked to the video store to return a movie. Every man I passed, I asked myself if I would date him, given the opportunity. Each time, the answer was no.

In the year that I've been single, I haven't been on a single date. When I sense a man is looking my way, I avoid his gaze. When a man strikes up a conversation, I answer politely, then make my excuses and leave. Now I'm wondering, will I keep this up forever? Life moves so swiftly at this age - will I one day wake up and realise I haven't been with a man for years?

I wonder how many couples are actually in love. How many are together because they don't want to be lonely? If I were to take a poll of all the people on earth, how many would be able to say honestly, that they have experienced True Love. How many would be able to say that the object of their affection gave the same in return? Is it a mistake to fall in love with someone who cares nothing for you? How do you avoid this?

It's said that we look for our father in the men we choose. I'm convinced that my father did not love me - does this mean I'm destined to spend all my affection on men who feel nothing for me? So far, that is exactly what I have done.