Multiple Personalities, and Other Things

A few weeks ago I gave the url to my website out to members of my photography club. From this came an opportunity to do some modelling for a photographer other than myself - something I'm very interested in doing, but have never actually done. He is a member of the club. He contacted me about modelling for him, once he saw my nudes. I met with him and his wife this morning, to discuss what we could create together.

I wasn't sure if we would do any shooting today, but wanted to be prepared for anything. I was a little nervous, as you can imagine. There are several reasons to be nervous in a situation like this. Of course the obvious - 'I'm going to be nude in front of a person I don't really know, will I be safe', etc. Then there are other insecurities, such as 'will I come across as a total amateur in my poses?' 'will I become shy and freeze, making the photographer frustrated and wishing he had never asked me?' 'what if I think I'm doing well, when in fact I'm doing everything opposite to what he would like me to do?' I reminded myself that he probably has his own insecurities. Sort of like what people say about wild animals 'they're as afraid of you as you are of them...' (okay, "afraid" is not really the word to use here, but anyway)

As I showered this morning, I got the sense I was preparing my body as a tool. Like washing your brushes to keep them nice for painting, or sharpening your artist pencils. You know the feeling when you're getting ready to go to the doctor for a complete physical? You shower and shave your legs etc, in a clinical way that isn't in any way sexual - you're thinking that you will be nude in front of a practical stranger, and want to be well groomed, but it's almost mechanical. You've become seperate, in a way, from your physical self. That's similar to what I felt as I showered - not in an uncomfortable way, but in a detached, unsentimental way that was almost as though I was viewing my body through someone else's eyes, getting "it" ready to be used in art.

I find myself doing the same when I'm photographing myself - when I am both photographer and model. I find that two new personalities emerge, and neither is the "me" that I am usually, when I'm not posing or shooting. Even when I look at my pictures on the monitor, I have a critical eye that looks for technical flaws or needed improvements, and I'm not really looking at "a picture of me", in fact I often refer to myself as "the model". I guess it's a professionalism that comes out. I believe this is necessary. I must be able to step away from my own 'self", and my insecurites and my vanities, and just free myself to create.

During a shoot, "Marian" takes a seat while the "photographer" sets the lights and adjusts the camera settings. "Marian" watches while the "model" fixes her hair and makeup and arranges herself for the poses. Still, Marian's role is vital. It is her inner Self that I use. Her memories, and her life experiences are what bring across the emotion in the "model's" expression and body language.

When I shoot a series, I am delving inside my own head to pull out images and emotions and fantasies - to depict them in my art. I am turning my Self inside out to show what is at my very core. I am exposing my vulnerabilies - not just because I'm nude, but because I'm portraying my artistic ideas that are often strange and possibly even unacceptable to many. "Marian" gives my art a human quality, ensuring that I don't create something flat and without charactor. But she must know when to step back and let the other two - the model and the photographer, do their thing. It's all very natural, one personality dances away and the other takes the lead, and then the third mingles in, and the two dance together for a while and then ... well then I hope something special is created. Something that all my personalities can be proud of.

Anyway, I met with the photographer and his wife this morning. They came to pick me up at my apartment, and take me to their house. As we pulled away from the curb, I realised I'd left the stove element on low, heating a pot of orange/lemon tea. Typically, I said nothing. I reminded myself that the pot was nearly full, and probably wouldn't boil away..... Then I realised I'd forgotten my makeup, my comb, and my cool false eyelashes. Well, I thought, maybe we won't be shooting today anyway. Funny though, I do have the capacity to be profressional, yet I so often end up reverting to my natural scatterbrained self.

Oh well, in the end it didn't matter that I'd forgotten all my props, because we didn't shoot any pictures. Instead we looked at a cd he's put together of his beautiful art (he's a talented photographer, I'm very excited to work with him), discussed everything from the differences (and similarities) between porn and fineart nude, to what a nude model must look out for in signing releases, to unusual animal friendships (cat's befriending hamsters), and everything in between. His wife joined us for some of the conversation, the three of us had a really nice time! I already feel comfortable with both of them. Even their big orange cat, who they told me should be treated with discretion because she will bite if she decides a person is taking liberties, walked up to me and after sniffing my hand, allowed me to scratch her nose. We've made a date for this coming monday (not me and the cat), to shoot some photographs with me walking nude along the railroad tracks that run across the Island. After that he would like to try some indoor shots - something expansive. I'm really looking forward to working with him and his wife (she's a photographer as well). I feel as though I have known them for some time. They really put me at ease.

When I returned home, the tea had not boiled away, and the apartment smelled wonderfully of oranges.