More On Love (Moron Love?)

The other day I saw a very elderly couple cross the street toward me, holding hands. My first thought was 'how cool is that?'. Then I got to wondering, as I tend to do, about love, and relationships, and what is the real driving force between two beings holding on to each other for better or worse. It seems to be an ongoing study. I began thinking seriously on these subjects when my relationship with x was limping to its conclusion. I've come to a lot of realisations, but have a ways to go yet.

My second thought after seeing that couple, was 'Maybe they're not in love at all - maybe they suffered a horrible relationship all these years and are only now clinging to each other in their decrepid old age, as a precaution against coming to a bad end....' Maybe, after years of traumatic experience at the hands of each other, they have called a truce because arthritis, incontinence, and failed eyesight necessitate that they stick together.

I've often wondered why people tend to congratulate couples who have lasted for years. Why is it considered such a feat? Doesn't that point alone, suggest that long term relationships are somewhat less than enjoyable? I've heard women say that if their boyfriend didn't asked them to marry soon, they would break up. They wanted a husband. If he wasn't willing, he would be tossed back for a man who was ready to put a ring on their finger. Yet these women insisted they loved their boyfriend, and would be traumatised in breaking up. So, does this suggest that marriage is nothing more than a business deal, where two people bind themselves together legally in order to raise a family, and ensure benefits on the event of the others' death?

I've never felt the desire to marry, even as I watched my four sisters walk down the isle, and suffered the pitying glances from the other ladies in the congregation. In the view of some of those church ladies, I am considered a bit of a failure as a woman, because I never "got a man". My 24 years long relationship doesn't count. Anyway - look at us now, split up. People have sometimes asked me if I wasn't worried he would leave me, since we weren't 'legal'. I understood this to mean I should cobble him, in order that he wouldn't run away. The impression I get is that it's better to have a husband who isn't content, than to be an unmarried woman enjoying a lovely relationship that will never gain me a ring.

People who dismiss my long-term, commonlaw relationship are correct in their judgement against x as a human being - he isn't, and never was, a decent person, but I know without doubt, they would have respected him more if he and I had been married. That the relationship ended because I was no longer willing to take abuse does not mean anything to them. In their eyes, it ended because we were not married. There was no anchor to keep us from drifting apart. And if, at the end of my life, I can look back and say I enjoyed a pure and real love with another man, that too will be dismissed by some. The certificate is everything. Free love doesn't count for much. The object seems to be - pull off love's wings as soon as possible, shove it behind bars and swallow the key.

I understand that marriage was necessary in the old days, for financial reasons, and because sex was taboo otherwise, but what are the reasons behind it today? People say "We got married because we were in love." That answer only serves to bring up more questions for me. Do married people believe that unmarried couples love each other less, no matter that their relationship might last as long, or longer? Is it because marriage is a sign of commitment to each other? If this is the case, why not just find a nice quiet place and declare your commitment in private? Why declare it at all? Isn't the fact that two people are together, proof enough?

I view love as an animal thing. It's spontaneous and heartwrenching. It's pure emotion. It seems too bad, to me, that this wonderful experience is so often tied up with red tape. People fall head over heels, and suddenly they want to lay down rules and force obligations. They want to bind the object of their love to them in order that the loved one will not escape and break their heart. They want to own the other. They insist that the other be blind to anyone else. They insist that everything be done from now on, for the good of the relationship. They turn it into a job. In the end, all of this baggage often kills the relationship, and the love turns to hate, and if there was a marriage - all the stock must be divided because that business deal seems to have fallen through.

I may be a little jaded, but I don't really think so. I view myself as a romantic, because I refuse to allow my natural feelings of love to be shoved into a box, or tied up, or tied to ... remember the saying 'if you love something, let it go.