How Not To Hang A Towel Rack

For two hours now, I've been trying to attach a towel rack to my bathroom wall. It's a beautiful rack - kindof a minimalistic thing with two rungs for towels, and a shelf on top. It takes eight screws to hang it on the wall. Sounds simple? It isn't.

First of all I have no nail to get a hole started for the screw to turn into. I'm having to improvise by hammering on the screw to get it started. This might work if I could ever actually hit the stupid screw with my hammer. I have smashed all my fingers, the rack, and most often, the wall itself. The floor is littered with paint chips and plaster dust.

By standing on the toilet, I was able to hold the rack in place with my teeth. I had all the screws in partway, and finally got one all the way - it suddenly just went in, seemingly of its own accord. Of course it was completely loose. The hole was gigantic. The weight of the towel rack pulled it out as fast as I could push it back. You know those stupid plastic inserts that come with these things? Apparently they're meant to be inserted into the hole and the screw tightened into them. I always just throw them out, because they're stupid. Well I decided, now that I had this massive hole, I might as well use the plastic insert. I positioned it in the cavity, gave a mighty blow with my hammer, for once I hit it dead on ... and it dissintegrated. Now the hole was even bigger than before.

At that point, I threw up my hands and left the bathroom. I took to my bed and slept for a full hour. Now I'm up, and tackling the job again.

The minute I re entered the bathroom, I noticed the rack was hanging crooked. I hoped it was only because of the loose screw, but of course, no. So I removed all the screws. I have it straight now, with all the screws partway in again. The holes I made in the wrong places all show of course. Remember the oversized hole I made earlier? Well I tried to make a new hole further up. I was just getting started on that, when the original hole reared up and ate the plaster between the two, like some kind of rabid dog. Now the hole is practically a window.

I've discovered a new use for oven mitts. I wear one to give me traction when I'm trying to turn the screwdriver. Before I thought of it, I wore off all the skin on my fingers.

I've been swearing a lot. "You stupid slutty screw will you just TURN! Please!" (for some reason I always say 'please', I don't know why). I've been berating myself too "Why oh Why are you such a LOSER will you hit the screw for once in your life!" I wonder what my neighbours think. ...maybe they think I'm having some wierd sex.