Thank God I'm a Loner

*this post is completely true, but should be read with humour. It is not a ranting post....

*****
I was told some wonderful news today - my ex might move to Moscow! Okay, it's a pipe dream ... but ... he has "met" a Russian (lamb to the slaughter) woman through E personals. When I heard, I was quick to remind him of his inherited part ownership of a villa in Croatia. (they could meet halfway....) Please God.

Apparently he's (mis)quoting me to every woman he corresponds with - "My ex girlfriend says there's nothing wrong with me, it's the women who are fucked."

1)the nurse with breast implants revoked her invitation for him to join her over Christmas, and would just like him to drop by and return her sister's shoes ... but maybe he could meet her at Stanley Park ... in fact she demands it ... at 1:00pm precisely, for a brisk walk along the seawall.

2)the crack addict invited him to her home several hour's drive up the highway, met him naked at the door, demanded that he pay her dealer, threw his shoes at him when he refused, called the police, met the police naked at the door....

3)the three hundred pound control freak who knew us as a couple, on hearing that we broke up, made a point of informing him she is "on a diet".

4)the piano player who moonlights as a prostitute and thinks nobody is the wiser (in a small town? duh!), had enough of him because he's "so angry".

5)the unhappily married woman who, he said, resembles Ron Howard, wants nothing to do with him because he wouldn't have sex with her in the driveway.

6)the born again Christian has yet to meet him in person, and has no idea what she's in for. Let's wish her luck.

7)the irritating woman who goes out of her way to inform everyone that she "used to be beautiful", and has the kind of laugh that makes a person want to bite her lips off, is in love with him. But he's hesitant (but not very), because he says her mouth reminds him of Lisa Simpson (as in the cartoon).

8)the woman with fat arms, called him "stupid" on the phone.

9)the woman who dresses up as a witch every Halloween, recognised, in the nick of time, that he is "just like her ex husband", and escaped.

10)the woman with squinty eyes refused to meet him because she knows me from work, so, he tells me I'm "expected to fix that."

It's a surreal experience to look honestly at a person you have been viewing through rose coloured glasses for more than two decades. If I were to meet him for the first time, at this age, I wouldn't even join him for coffee.

On the other hand, he has a certain point when he complains about the women he is meeting. From his stories, most of them sound completely looney. I have attempted to advise him on acting (emphasis on "acting") like a gentleman - "Meet her at the ferry, rather then sit in the bar. Help her put her bags in the trunk, rather than stay seated in the car and just pop the trunk, etc".

All this was news to him, but, he did it. Only to be treated with incredible rudeness by the woman in question. The first thing out of her mouth was " Boy you look old from behind." Followed by "You need to: change your wardrobe, shave your beard, get rid of your cats...." and then "Your house is a dive and should be bulldozed."

All of this serves to remind me to count my lucky stars that I am a dyed in the wool loner.