Who Knows

So I'm thinking about my future again. I wonder when it will begin? When will my life begin? I feel as though I'm living the life of a refugee - someone who has escaped from a third world country and is grateful to have a precarious job and a roof over their head, but they don't have citizenship yet, so they're in a state of limbo. I feel like a survivor of a shipwreck who has found a piece of driftwood to cling to as they scan the horizon for sight of land. I'm tired of waiting for the day when I finally wash up on the beach. I know what I don't want in my life, not sure what it is I do want, and tired of waiting for what I know I want. Will I ever get what I want? I have no idea. Maybe I will grow old and decrepid, hoping and looking forward to something that never happens. What a waste that would be. I know I should make alternate plans, but I don't want to. I know I should look for other opportunities, but I have no interest.

During breaks at work, I sit outside to have a smoke with my coworkers. I spoke with a woman today, who told me she had just divorced her husband of some twenty years. Like me, she's excited about her new freedom to be herself. Unlike me, she's begun dating again. One year after her breakup, she's already broken up with one guy after a six month relationship, and has begun another one. I haven't even been on one date. I've been asked, but I turn them down. It almost doesn't occur to me to accept the offers. I'm in a wierd place where I can't seem to move forward. I don't want to date multiple guys ... I don't want to open myself to anyone around here ... I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone ... I don't know what's going to happen but I hope it doesn't continue on as it is.

I should add that I'm not depressed, just thinking too much.