My Own Religion

I've mentioned before that I was raised in a Mennonite family. Religion formed a large part in my upbringing. Over the years of my childhood, for various and serious reasons, I became dissilusioned with all things religious. Actually, "dissilusioned" is a giant understatment - I should rephrase that to "I became horrified by all things religious". How ludicrous that I would burn forever in a lake of fire if I smoked, or went to the movie theatre, or drank, or had sex before marriage! God, I was told, was a loving being. He adored me. But if I commited these certain acts that mankind has deemed to be sin, this God who loved me with all his heart, would allow me to be damned for eternity. I would burn forever, but never die. My torture would go on and on and on, and God would continue to cherish me, but he wouldn't lift a finger to help me because I had sinned. I deserved to be punished.

And so I rejected religion, and I hated God. Though I never quite stopped believing in the existence of God, I believed he was despicable, he was frightening and mean, he was a control freak and a sadist. I wanted nothing to do with religious people - they were deluded, silly people who spouted Bible verses to mask their inability to answer my questions. They rigorously followed rules against vice in all its forms, and attended church several times each week, and wore their knees out with praying. Yet they cared nothing for the state of the earth. Their sermons made no mention of pollution or overpopulation or animal abuse. They sent missionaries to far ends of the globe to spread their message - Natives everywhere must reject their natural ways in favour of all things Christian. Bibles shipped by the truckload, hymnals also - the heathens must learn to sing 'old rugged cross' and 'just as I am' and all the old favourites that the missionaries had known since childhood, and all of this must be done in a proper church. No more worshipping in the forest, there must be an actual building complete with pews and a pulpit and a big cross on top. No more nudity in the African jungle - western style suits and ties were the order of the day.

Over the past ten or so years, I gradually came to my own understanding of God. After much deep thinking, I decided that people had twisted the truth. Religion isn't the last word on God. Perhaps ... just possibly ... God and religion are not one and the same. It was a shocking idea at first. I let it sit for awhile, turning it over and over in my mind. As I became used to it, I understood that there was nothing radical in this thought after all. It wasn't shocking or mind boggling. Instead it was simple and pure. I could meet God in the forest, I didn't have to attend church. I could follow my own conscience, I didn't have to obey man-made rules and regulations. I could love Nature and animals more than humanity, it wasn't sacriligious. I didn't have to reject my own Self in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, instead I must embrace my Self and love Me. God wasn't waiting to kick me into a burning lake because I broke this rule or another. I could examine my own Self and decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to throw away. I could change my mind - take back a piece of Me that I'd rejected, and try it out again. Religion and its people could go on spouting their dogma, but I didn't have to accept it if it didn't sit well with me.

Since I've moved here and become close with my family, I've discovered that they too, have rearranged their thinking. They too have come to their own understanding of what they wish to keep, and what they wish to throw out. I attend church with my sister each sunday, and today I joined my other sister at her church. Both churches are very different, both have something to offer that the other doesn't. I had been worried when I first moved here, that my family would try to suck me into their religious beliefs. I feared that my time with them would be tainted because they would work hard to force changes on me, to twist my thinking around to resemble their own. Thankfully, none of this has come to pass.

And so I feel comfortable in joining my sisters in church on sunday, because I know that it's not part of a plan to force me into conformity. I can take what I want from the service, and feel free to ignore what disagrees with me. I'm free to construct my own religion (if that's what we want to call it). I attend one sister's church because I enjoy the singing - it's wonderful to hear my soprano voice blending with my sister's alto, sometimes it brings tears to my eyes it's so beautiful. I enjoy being with my sister and her husband and small daughter. I like dressing up. I enjoy the sermon, even when I don't agree with every word said. I take something from the service, and don't feel guilty about those things I've decided go against my grain. Tonight, when I joined my other sister at her church for the first time, I discovered another way to worship. Her church is much different. There is no hymn singing, and the "preaching" is done by two men bouncing ideas off of each other as we listen and form our own conclusions. I've decided that I like both styles. I'm going to alternate between both churches each sunday. And on those sundays that I don't wish to go at all, I don't need to come up with a good reason, I can just say 'no' and stay home. The choice is up to me. I won't go to hell.

This is my own personal religion: I believe in living a peaceful life, and not intentionally hurting others. I believe in doing my part in preserving this earth, but I have no faith that it will be saved because we've gone too far in its destruction. I believe that animal life is as sacred as human life, and that if there is a distinction between who makes it into heaven and who does not ... the animals will surely enter through the pearly gates. I believe it's okay if I choose to keep smoking, I won't go to hell for it, but it will ruin my health. I believe there is nothing wrong in sex outside of marriage, but it is an act to be respected, not handed out indescriminately. When it feels right and good to share my body with someone I love, I should do so without shame. I believe that real love has no strings, it should not depend on the gift being returned in kind. I believe in the power of art - it makes me feel beautiful. I believe I must respect the feelings of others, even if they make me impatient. I believe in the power of 'zen-like' thinking, in yoga, in learning to relax and let life flow rather than struggle to wrench it this way or that one. My idea is that God is magic, he is part of all that we don't see going on all around us. I don't believe he is a Being sitting on a throne, wearing white robes and listening to the angels strumming harps. I believe that God is as disappointed with religion as I am. I believe that when I understood I could reject all the rules and fashion my own way of believing, God was clapping his hands.