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Life Is A Game Of Checkers
I've been going to meetings with a government worker who is trying to set me up as a companion sitter. I've sat in her office and discussed my goals, I've taken online tests, I spent two days with phsycologists. I still have more to do, but, I'm pretty sure now that it isn't going to work out. I discovered at the last meeting that I am expected to have a certain certificate that would allow me to change old folks' diapers if necessary (really it's true). Without the certificate I would not be allowed to do anything if my charge had an accident. I could only try to distract them from their own discomfort as they lay in their own mess. Not that I'm eager to change diapers, but still, it's a bit bizarre. In order to get this certificate, I must take a college course that costs an arm and a leg, and the course would be full time, meaning I would have to quit my dishwashing/janitor job. If I want to take it part time, I would have to travel to the next town. I would have to rely on the unreliable bus service because I don't have a car, or even a licence. If I was to go ahead and apply for a license, and passed, I would still be screwed because with the graduated licensing program I would have to have a seasoned driver accompanying me for a full year, and, well, I don't have one of those. Oh well.
Really I'm optimistic about things. This companion sitting thing was just an idea that didn't pan out, there are other options.
In fact, I received a phone call just this morning about a job offer - x called to ask if I would clean the house in time for the arrival of a new woman he's met online. "It's a good deal!" he said "I'll pay you five dollars!" (I kid you not).
I said 'no thanks'.
The other morning I awoke, and lay in bed gazing across the room, thinking about the facts of my new life. You know, it really is true that personal happiness is The Most Important thing. A person might be rich, flagrantly healthy, etc, but if they are not personally happy, none of the rest matters very much. During my years with x, I walked a tightrope, striving to keep the balance in our household from tipping into one extreme or another. His moods dictated every minute - it was "my job" to keep things from going sour, so that he wouldn't go off the deep end. He didn't do very much to keep things running smoothly, in fact he seemed bent on tempting fate to kick him in the ass. I practically lost my sanity, running around doing damage control. There were times when I lost it. I would crush my face into a pillow and scream until I retched. I often resorted to detaching myself from everything. I simply erased reality, and went into a kind of trance where I didn't feel anything at all, didn't notice, or hear, or think - as though I had closed myself into a rubber room where nothing penetrated. I realise that these self preservation techniques were learned as a child. I practiced all of them throughout my growing up years. Now, suddenly, after using them for fourty years, I don't need them anymore. It's quite incredible really.
When I first moved into this apartment, there were a few growing pains. I still had some financial ties to x that enabled him to torment me. I've since cut those strings, and reattached them to safer anchor points. Even that was a traumatic experience, because he fought tooth and nail. There were times when I avoided the windows, and kept the blinds shut, and cried myself to sleep, but I stuck to my guns. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it is this - a person must fight for their own freedom. It might be painful, and scary, and take a lot of intelligent plotting. It might seem easier to just lie down again and allow yourself to be rechained, but in the end, the battle is well worth it. Even while I was in the thick of it, I knew I was doing the right thing, that's what gave me an edge. It's still possible for him to get in behind me, so I'm keeping on my toes. On one of these issues, I might end up taking a loss, just so I don't lose the whole thing. That's another lesson learned - it's important to recognise those times when its better to settle, rather than fight a losing battle that will only cause more stress. On the other hand, it's important to move carefully, and not let panic cause one to make a rash decision. It's a lot like checkers actually.
Really I'm optimistic about things. This companion sitting thing was just an idea that didn't pan out, there are other options.
In fact, I received a phone call just this morning about a job offer - x called to ask if I would clean the house in time for the arrival of a new woman he's met online. "It's a good deal!" he said "I'll pay you five dollars!" (I kid you not).
I said 'no thanks'.
The other morning I awoke, and lay in bed gazing across the room, thinking about the facts of my new life. You know, it really is true that personal happiness is The Most Important thing. A person might be rich, flagrantly healthy, etc, but if they are not personally happy, none of the rest matters very much. During my years with x, I walked a tightrope, striving to keep the balance in our household from tipping into one extreme or another. His moods dictated every minute - it was "my job" to keep things from going sour, so that he wouldn't go off the deep end. He didn't do very much to keep things running smoothly, in fact he seemed bent on tempting fate to kick him in the ass. I practically lost my sanity, running around doing damage control. There were times when I lost it. I would crush my face into a pillow and scream until I retched. I often resorted to detaching myself from everything. I simply erased reality, and went into a kind of trance where I didn't feel anything at all, didn't notice, or hear, or think - as though I had closed myself into a rubber room where nothing penetrated. I realise that these self preservation techniques were learned as a child. I practiced all of them throughout my growing up years. Now, suddenly, after using them for fourty years, I don't need them anymore. It's quite incredible really.
When I first moved into this apartment, there were a few growing pains. I still had some financial ties to x that enabled him to torment me. I've since cut those strings, and reattached them to safer anchor points. Even that was a traumatic experience, because he fought tooth and nail. There were times when I avoided the windows, and kept the blinds shut, and cried myself to sleep, but I stuck to my guns. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it is this - a person must fight for their own freedom. It might be painful, and scary, and take a lot of intelligent plotting. It might seem easier to just lie down again and allow yourself to be rechained, but in the end, the battle is well worth it. Even while I was in the thick of it, I knew I was doing the right thing, that's what gave me an edge. It's still possible for him to get in behind me, so I'm keeping on my toes. On one of these issues, I might end up taking a loss, just so I don't lose the whole thing. That's another lesson learned - it's important to recognise those times when its better to settle, rather than fight a losing battle that will only cause more stress. On the other hand, it's important to move carefully, and not let panic cause one to make a rash decision. It's a lot like checkers actually.
posted by Marian (Jolene) | 1:48 p.m.
1 Comments:
If your happiness depends upon someone else, you do have a problem. Read in a book somewhere.
Lyd
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