No Strings

I've been thinking long and hard about relationships for nearly two years now. These deep thoughts are what brought me to the conclusion that I needed to leave x. As I've said before, our relationship was very stifling, because he is a control freak, and I allowed myself to be boxed in until I could no longer breathe. But it seems to me that many exclusive, tight relationships have strong elements of control. It seems to come with the territory.

When two people decide to see each other exclusively, there is the expectation that neither will have sex with anyone else. Jealousy comes into play, and each begins to check for signs that the other is not following the rules. Even if it isn't pronounced, still the seed is there - each wants to be assured that they are not being betrayed. Then there are all the other details, such as how much time is spent together, and whether one is supporting the other more than they are being supported, and if one is giving in more often to the other. Suddenly you are no longer two seperate people, you have merged into one entity, and everything must be shared ... or as was the case with my relationship, one takes most of everything and the other clings to what is left.

If you live together, the other must be consulted before furniture is rearranged, before new things are bought for the house, before dinner is decided upon. Every action affects the other, and so the simplest things must be rehashed in order to come to an acceptable conclusion. Taken to the extreme, one person gradually overtakes while the other shrinks back. Soon the house and everything in it is arranged according to the taste of the stronger "partner". Soon the other is living his/her life according to the whims of the other, her personality is remoulded into his version of what a girlfriend should be. Even sex becomes entangled in the mess - not enough sex ... too much sex ... sex at the wrong time ... sex that has become routine. Instead of making love because the moment is right, because you feel sexy and attracted and just can't wait to rip off each other's clothes, you find yourself going through the motions because one of you keeps track of how many times you've done it in a given month. There is a quota to be filled, in order to prove that the relationship is on track.

I understand that this isn't the case in every relationship, but after my experience, I have become rather gunshy. After being single now for five and a half months, I value my newfound freedom. As a single woman, I revel in the fact that I can rearrange my furniture however I like. I can plan my meals as I prefer. I can go to bed when I'm tired, rather than turn in when he does whether or not I'm ready to end my day. I can be alone when I don't feel sociable. I can watch t.v. or not. I can work on my art for days and nights on end. At long last I am free to be truly myself. There is no one to tell me I'm not being fair to the relationship if I choose to never go for a walk on a Sunday. No one is there to complain because I want to write instead of listening to a tirade about the state of humanity. I don't have to attend car shows to prove that I support his interest, and I don't have to simmer in my resentment over the fact that he doesn't reciprocate by attending my poetry readings, or watch a slideshow of my photographs.

I like the act of sharing - I'm not selfishly desiring to hoard everything for myself. It's when sharing becomes a regulation that I begin to feel chafed. When it's "expected for the good of the relationship", every simple act of kindness is degraded. I understand that even no strings relationships take compromise in order to work well, but I would prefer that those compromises are made because I wish to make them. I want to feel good about making them, rather than manipulated.

I'm naturally a submissive type. I'm drawn to the type of man who takes charge. I've learned though, that there is a fine line between taking charge, and taking advantage. When the man I love takes charge in a way that is respectful of my right to say no, it's very sexy to me. The man who takes charge in a bullying, caveman way, as x did (and still tries to do), the attraction dies very quickly. Thinking along these lines, I realise that the no strings relationship requires a strong measure of security and self esteem to work well. Both people must be secure enough that they don't need to own the other.

I believe there are relationships that are truly equal. I hope there are. As for me, I think I might choose to be single for the rest of my life. Having said that, I must add that I am still basically a one man woman. I'm not interested in dating more than one man. I like the idea of loving, and being loved by one guy who is not my boyfriend. He is my lover, my friend and confidant, and all those good things that one would have hoped a boyfriend or husband would be. In my view, these things are often compromised the minute we slap a lable on the relationship. I like the idea of being with one man because I choose to be, rather than because I must be with only him because I am his girlfriend and expected to be loyal. I like the idea of him being only with me, because he chooses to be. But if he prefers to see other women as well, it is his right, because there are no strings attached. My decision should have no bearing on what he decides for himself. If I become jealous because of his choices, at least I know that there were no promises made in the first place. I have not been betrayed, there were no rules broken. And I know that I am free to change my mind. I too can do as I like.