There Is No Title For This Post

This is probably going to sound condescending, but I feel sorry for my ex. The more I watch him rant and rail at me in his emails, the more I wish I could give him the key to escape from the prison he's locked himself into. All the years we were together, I spoiled him. I treated him as a mother with her precious, and horrible son. You know the type - the son is a psychotic bully whom everyone hates, but the mother believes he can do no wrong....

My ex is a control freak who has been thrust into the position of watching helplessly while all his trump cards are taken away. As I understand more and more about how I have been taken advantage of, I'm learning ways to assert control. Not over him, or his life, but over my own. Material things in which I have half interest, and things as basic as whether or not I correspond with his mother. He wants to lay down rules on all these things, and I'm telling him 'No. I will decide what is best for me'. It's amazing to watch the result of this on him. He sends me emails with one screaming sentence in bright red, two inch high font. From experience, I know that after clicking 'send', he likely takes to his bed for the rest of the day.

A year or so ago, I would have let my pity for him convince me to change course. I would have handed him the candy he was begging for, so to speak, just to stop his crying. It's painful to watch. My reaction before was always to put him out of his misery by sacrificing my own desires. I see now that this was a horrible mistake, not only for myself, but for him. For over two decades, he has enjoyed the life of a spoiled child, and look at the result.

It's important to tread the line carefully in cases like this. I have to stand up for myself. I have to correct the stupid, naive decisions I made with my own money. I have to be strong against his extortion attempts that come like clockwork each month. At the same time, I need to be aware of the danger in taking free food away from a rotweiller.

...speaking of food (I want to get away from the topic of X), I have the most bizarre eating habits. I often forget to eat. And when I remember, I realise that I'm absolutely famished, and have been all day, yet it didn't register until now. I will go to my cupboards and eat a couple of croutons, or maybe one cracker, even just a sip of honey, or worse, a sip of water and I'm satisfied. I'll go to bed that night, and realise, all I ate that day was the things I listed above. Yet I'm not hungry. It's frightening when I'm in this zone, because I have no weight to lose.

The opposite side of this story is when I can't seem to eat enough. Today, for example, I ate more than half a pie in the space of three hours. I baked it today - a custard pie with a hint of almond. I cut it into eight portions. There are only three left. I ate five large pieces of pie! And I want more! I want to make a casserole and eat that! I crave melted cheddar cheese over cottage fried potatoes! I want pudding! Give me a rich, bittersweet chocolate cake! This will last for a day or so, until I begin to feel gross. I prefer the feeling of being lighter than air.

I'm thinking I should train myself to eat sensibly all the time. It's actually easier to come to this conclusion during my times of feasting, because anything related to food is appealing to me. I tell myself "I need to start eating more salads with fresh fruit and veggies." Imediately I begin to salivate at the thought of slicing a ripe, sunwarmed tomato, scattering a few raisins and nuts, a drizzle of olive oil.... But during those times when I'm not at all interested in food, even a few lettuce leaves seems too much.

Well this has been a strange post. I'm not sure how to end it. I like to tie up these things neatly, but I don't seem to have any string at the moment. So I'll just say, The End.