Expectations

It is really true that people tend to act according to what is expected of them. In my personal experience, this tendency is directly connected to the level of my self esteem. For most of my life, the expectation has been for me to act in a negative way. In reaction, I learned to set the bar low. Over time it became habit.

I must admit it was a form of laziness as well - I didn't have to push myself to excel. In a way, it was also a warped attempt to please others. If I proved their assumptions correct, if I made their predictions come true, they would feel vindicated. I would have given them what they apparently wanted, perhaps now they would like me. It was an attempt to fit in. Here these people had fashioned a box for me, and damn it, I was going to climb into it! I almost felt secure as I sloughed off those parts of me that couldn't be pressed uncomfortably inside.

On the other hand, it was terribly traumatic. I grew to despise myself as much, if not more than those who held me in such low regard. Worse than that, I suspected that I was playing a role unsuited to me. Deep within my heart, I knew I was better than this, but I was so contorted inside that box, the effort to disentangle myself and climb out seemed too much. I ignored the voice telling me I was doing myself a terrible diservice.

As a child, until I left home as a teenager, my family viewed me as "an Angry Person". A "Black Sheep". A "Rebel". I didn't cultivate these traits on purpose. There are a multitude of reasons for why and how I came to own these labels. Boy did I ever *own* them though! They became the bars of my prison, blocking the light, obstructing my view of the door that I forgot was open all the time. I had the option to escape, but didn't even attempt it, because I was so busy wrapping myself in the persona that others had created.

After I left home, my shoulders were loaded with more negatives - I was "A Dropout from Society". I led "An Unacceptable Lifestyle". I was "A Criminal". I stood on my corner in the moonlight as productive citizens passed in their cars on their way home from work. They glared at me, or simply stared with curiosity. I was "An Object of Scorn". I was "A Dirty Fantasy". I was "Indecent and Without Values". I was "Without Value". As I viewed myself through these filters, I retreated further inside my head. I became my own worst enemy - my false Self was despicable to me, but I couldn't see where the false me ended, and the real me began, they had become one and the same in my view. Instead of discarding the negative, ill fitting Self, and allowing my positive Self to come out, I drowned in my own disappointment.

My boyfriend (now my ex), added his own low expectations to the evergrowing pile. He believes women are dumb, and so I came to believe I was "Stupid". He believes women should bow to the will of the men in their life, and so I became "A Doormat". Strange as this may sound, his belief that he and I were kindred spirits, was also a negative - he holds tightly to his persona as a man without ambition. He puts all his effort into not learning, not achieving, not evolving. As his "soulmate", his mirror was held up to reflect me. I squashed my ambitions to conform to his expectation that I was just like him.

Then I met someone who saw through my facade. To my surprise, this new friend recognised the real me, and set his expectations accordingly. He treated me as though I was intelligent, talented, even admirable. He treated me with respect, he is a gentleman who treated me as a lady. Each time I reached down, rather than grab the rung above me, his disappointment was sincere - he knew I could do better.

At first I was intimidated. It was difficult to believe in my abilities. I had a hard time believing I even had abilities. I was afraid of proving to him, and to myself, that I was, in fact, incapable. Instead of expanding my horizons, I put most of my effort into making excuses for why I couldn't. He wouldn't hear of it. Instead of falling for the lie that I was offering, he simply waited for me to recognise the truth. After a while I began to wonder if he might be correct in believing in me. He is an intelligent man, after all, there must be valid reasons for him to view me in such a positive light. I began to look honestly at my accomplishments, and to acknowledge them as proof that I had, in fact succeeded on those times that I set aside my inhibitions. I began to try new things, to set goals and work toward them.

It's been a year and a half since I began to emerge from the box that was never mine in the first place. I'm amazed at the changes in my life, and in me. In 16 months I've moved further than I had in years. Now I welcome the idea of learning something new. I have joined my good friend in expecting no less than my very best in everything. All of this makes me feel so wonderful it's hard to put into words. I feel clean somehow, and beautiful. I feel as though I am in on a secret. Now, when I come across a person who believes I can't succeed, I don't collapse under the weight of their pessimism. Instead I set out to prove them wrong. Better than that, I prove to myself that they are wrong. Negative expectations are no longer weighing me down. No wonder I'm flying.